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CEO Austin Clark recently announced new roles for Senior Management at BC based Company Capital.

“The dog days of summer appear to have taken a toll on productivity around here so I decided to make some drastic changes. I’ve brought on new Senior Management and re-assigned some of our existing Directors” barked CEO Austin Clark in a post-announcement interview. Clark went on to say “some of the existing staff howled in disapproval but things need to change. We’ve hired Ava Bruin (pictured far right) as Director of HR to develop, implement and manage the change process.”

One of the most vehemently opposed – and vocal – to the shakeup was Pudga J. Peebody (pictured far left). Previously Director of Unsociable Media, Pudja was re-assigned to Poop Patrol for the next fiscal year. During the meeting, Pudja was reported to have snarled in disapproval and storm out of the boardroom yelling at any and all people and/or objects that got in his way. In an interview the next day Pudja growled about the changes. “This is bogus man. I’ve been here more than 20 years (editor note – 3 human years) and now I’m on Poop Patrol? I don’t know much about our fancy new HR Director but I can tell you this….she’s a bitch.”

One of the roles that will see only minor changes in the new strategy is that of Compliance and Security. The position is currently held by Aiken Cox-Nipper (second from left). He will continue with Security but has been mandated to outsource the Compliance role. “Aiken has done a bang up job with Security over the past few years” said CEO Clark. “Nobody gets into our office without a very thorough sniff. The only area where Aiken needs a little improvement is his aggressiveness” Clark said. “Aikens’ procedures are sometimes questionable when it comes to his approach to delivery/courier personnel.” When asked about the CEO’s comments Aiken said “I’m good with Men Without Hats but if a courier guy comes in wearing a hat he’s gonna get a little nip.”

Overseeing the financial side of the changes will be Angus McLedger (pictured second from right). Part of his role as CFO will be to work with the HR Director (his wife) to develop a new Nap Allowance Policy. “I’ve crunched the numbers and my analysis shows we can improve productivity by at least 10{defcff05e0297cdbbfd01fb4267eded39e8d3cde8a3649f97f3e1f2938f8af6b} with this new strategy” said McLedger. He went on to say “in the last fiscal year, Senior Management averaged 38.7 hours per week of nap time – I think we can do better. We’re not slave drivers here but I think we can get our sleep time down to 7 hours per day by the end of the year”. The only Senior Manager to disagree with this strategy was Peebody who snarled “this is bogus man – McLedger is barking up the wrong tree….and his wife is a bitch.

Company Capital is a leading provider of merchant cash advance financing for small businesses across Canada. Financing is based on the sales history of the business rather than the personal credit history of the business owner.

 

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